This weekend I had stay in the house and play. So, I got sleepy by looking out the window.
So I had went to go to sleep.It was on a snowy cold wind blowing day.I was in my
house with my mom, sisters, brothers and I . was all had went to sleep in are cozy bed.
They all woke up my little sister had ran to my room and said'' wake up wake up. I had look up and told her it was snowing outside.I got up and ran out my room and told my mom can I build a snowman. No she said''. You don't have no snow boots. Then, I said'' I don't need no snow boot. Next, I had said'' do,, my,, brother,, have,, some,,snow boots,,? My mom said'' you can't fit some of is shoe. The snow was so white and soft that if you run in it will get foot prints. I had ran and open the first window I saw. I look out the window and saw a man shoveling some snow.
Finally I had found some of my uncle boots I said'' can I fit this boots. NO, NO, those are muddy boots,Afterwords, my mom said'' you is not going outside. THE END
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4 comments:
I enjoyed your story. Good idea for you to write about personal experiences. These types of stories tend to be written better and they are more meaningful to the writer. I appreciate the effort that you put forth in writing this story. A good idea for you to try in the future, is ask one fo your friends to "proof" your story to help you catch spelliing, grammar and punctuation errors in your story. Great job, very proud of you. :)
Mr. Hoffart
Daqwan, I liked your story about wanting to find boots to play in the snow. I see you are trying to use some dialog in your story to make it more interesting to the reader. I hope you get some boots to use before it snows again.
Keep Writing!
Mrs. Zetterman
Daqwan,
I loved the part about going to sleep in a cozy bed. I recommend that you try not to end it with THE END. If your last line is good and 'punchy' you won't need to tell the reader when the story is over.
Your ending could have been, "Now all I can do is look out the window and feel sleepy without playing in the snow I am watching."
Daqwan,
I loved how you described the cold snowy day. You mentioned several times in your story that you wanted to get outside to play in that soft, white snow. Too bad that you couldn't find any boots.
Instead of calling your story "this weekend", I wish you would have called it something like...The day I wanted to play in the snow! or No boots, No snow! Something like that would have caught my attention earlier in your story.
Mrs. Fuller
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